You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
