I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
