I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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