No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
