I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
