rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Randomize
