I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
