Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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