I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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