My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
