I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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