Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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