My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
