I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I need to calm my uterus...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
