They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
