Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
