My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
