Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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