I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
