got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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