he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
