i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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