my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
well, you know. whores of a feather.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
