You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
