rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
