If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
