Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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