Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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