maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
