Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
