fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
