In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
