I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
