just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
