My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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