if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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