On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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