Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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