Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
