I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
