May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
