i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize