I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
