Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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