I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize