I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
