i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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