I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Pants are for mortals
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
