I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
