mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
