Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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