the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
