If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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