everyone is single if you try hard enough
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
