I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
