I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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